


A Red Pen

by triiqoree



Category: Danganronpa, New Dangan Ronpa V3: Everyone's New Semester of Killing
Genre: I got the second part looked over, Kinda, Parental Death, Pre-Game Personalities (New Dangan Ronpa V3), Pre-Game Saihara Shuichi, Shuichi’s uncle, Suicidal Ideation, anywho, for a few scenes though, he vibin here too, his parents die and he gets the big sad, in-game shuichi, lemme know if I need to tag anything else, this isn’t beta read
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-07
Updated: 2020-11-07
Packaged: 2021-03-09 03:21:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,699
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27437992
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/triiqoree/pseuds/triiqoree
Summary: Shuichi is thirteen years old when he loses everything.Shuichi is sixteen years old when he gives everything up.
Comments: 2
Kudos: 29





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> hi!! This basically is just a thing I wrote cause i got bored and wanted to mess with pre-game shuichi. Please be mindful of the tags, don’t read this if you aren’t comfortable with the tags.

When Saihara Shuichi is thirteen years old, his parents are six feet underground and he doesn’t know what to do. He stares at the graves dug freshly in the dirt, his expression blank. He didn’t believe that they were dead, no. They were resting. They’d come back to him.

The sun beats down on him, it’s a beautiful day. One his father would ramble on about at dinner while he and his mother would pay attention. He feels a hand touch his shoulder, making him snap out of his stupor. 

“Shuichi, it’s time to go.” His uncle says softly. He sounds like he’s talking to a frightened animal. Shuichi is _not_ a frightened animal, he’s perfectly fine. His parents are coming back like they said they would’ve. 

“Uncle, I…” he trails off, his mouth closing before he could finish his sentence. It’s hard to speak at the moment. It’s hard to listen too, he had barely heard his uncle come up to him. Finally, he finds the ability to finish his sentence: “I don’t know what you mean. I’m staying here.”

His uncle looks surprised for a second, but not upset. He stays there with Shuichi for the next hour and a half, the silence between them somber and tense.

Saihara Shuichi is thirteen years old when he has to be torn away from his parent's graves. They died on a pretty day on March 13th. March 21st is when it sinks in that he never even got to say goodbye.

~

He stays in his uncle’s house after that. He doesn’t eat or sleep very much, too distracted by nightmares or headaches to do anything.

The hunger pangs stop after a few days. He doesn’t feel hungry very much anymore, which is strange. Shuichi isn’t sure what’s going on with himself, he’s too tired to do anything. 

His uncle checks on him every few hours, trying to coax him out of bed. He doesn’t go. He doesn’t want to go, because he knows something is _wrong_ and if he goes outside he’ll shatter like glass.

But it is a nice thought—going outside that is. The sun might feel nice after being in his room for so long. Or maybe it’s raining… the chilly drops would also be very welcome. 

Shuichi doesn’t move though. He stays wrapped up in a blanket with a somber expression. Everything feels numb. It doesn’t make any sense.

He’s supposed to feel sad, isn’t he? Gut-wrenching grief that’ll tear him apart at any given moment. 

He doesn’t though. He doesn’t feel anything at the moment. There’s something _wrong_ with him. 

Shuichi screws his eyes shut and wishes that he felt awful. Wishes that he was sobbing like a child instead of this scary blank feeling of _nothing_.

~

Weeks go by. He still doesn’t leave his room much, but he’s worked up enough energy to at least eat. His uncle is practically _beaming_ at him as he sits down at the dinner table.

Now and then, his uncle drops off books in Shuichi’s room for him to read. 

“Good for distraction.” Is what he says. Shuichi believes him wholeheartedly as he opens the first one and finds himself lost in the story. It’s about a detective, one whose kind and a little meek, but brave when they need to be.

At first, Shuichi thought they were _annoying_ , but after reading the book from cover to cover he can’t help but _adore_ them. He remembers them feeling hopeless at some point when they were solving the case, but ultimately finding the resolve to solve the murder and protect their loved ones.

Shuichi wished he could be like that. 

He reads the book obsessively for the next few days, memorizing every plot detail, every character trait of every character. All of their flaws and strengths take up space in his brain, to the point where he can’t even remember why he was upset in the first place.

Shuichi feels good. He feels good thinking like this. For the first time in weeks, he feels like he isn’t about to break. 

It’s a nice feeling. He holds onto it like his life depends on it.

~

Shuichi finds out about a series called “Danganronpa” when he’s about fourteen. His uncle introduces it to him one day when he comes home from school.

“You’re always so interested in those detective stories, Shu. I’m sure you’ll like this,”

And he does. He adores Danganronpa by the time he finishes the first season. The message… _Hope_. Hope beats despair no matter what enthralls him. 

His favorite character is the detective. Kirigiri Kyoko. He buys every piece of merch he sees of her because she gives him hope. She makes him feel like he can be a strong person too. 

Shuichi wishes he could be. 

Shuichi stays in his room and comes up with his own character—one whose like him. He works on it for hours, his hand aching by the time he’s halfway done.

He’s happy right now. This is who he wants to be. He just has to change, and he thinks he can do that. Maybe he won’t stay in his room for so long. Or maybe eat more meals—eat till he got sick! He’d be so happy! So so _very happy_.

Right now, he’d cling onto this ‘Saihara Shuichi’ that he’s made. He wanted to be like him! Someone who was hurt, but still found the strength to move forward. Someone who cried whenever things got sad, who felt frustrated, who felt joy whenever something good happened!

Yes, he’s clinging to that. He’d remain hopeful that he could change. 

~

Shuichi shouldn’t have been surprised when everything fell through. He didn’t have any idea what had happened—he had just woken up and he couldn’t move. 

Emotions blurred everything in his mind, numbing grief and fear and-

He’s scared. Everything is terrifying now, he can’t stop _crying_ and he can’t stop thinking about his parents. He feels guilty because maybe _he should’ve died too._

They must hate him for wishing that on himself. They must, they have to. He wished he knew, he wished he could see them again, even if they were disappointed by him. 

It’s frustrating. He’s mad at them for leaving them all alone, mad at them for dying and ruining him. Maybe that’s why he feels terrible, because he hates them. This pain in his chest and this never-ending grief is tearing him apart and he _deserves it_. 

Shuichi’s tired of it. He’s so tired and nothing is making sense anymore. His uncle suggests a therapist, and Shuichi tries talking, but every time he opens his mouth nothing comes out.

He doesn’t know what to say. Not anymore. He can rarely go a day without thinking about them, and… he wants to die. Shuichi wants this over, he wants to tear his stupid brain out of his head and bleed all over the place. End up dead in a ditch somewhere with no one to find him, bloody and beaten, or _anything_ because he’s so tired. 

It’s sickening to think about his body twisted in such a way, but refreshing in its own way. He’d be free from everything then. He screws his eyes shut and imagines a world without him. 

  
  


~

One day, a commercial comes on for Danganronpa. One for Season 53, it’s a casting call. Shuichi knows it shouldn’t, but the thought is there:

_What if I joined Danganronpa?_

It’s a terrible thought, people only joined the show either because they were sick in the head, prize money, or they wanted to be someone new. It’s unlucky for Shuichi because he fits two of those categories, and maybe a third. He should repay his uncle for dealing with him these past three years. 

Joining Danganronpa is far too appealing for someone like him. Far, _far_ too appealing. Becoming someone new and erasing himself from the planet… 

A shudder rips through him and he smiles to himself, not one that he’d normally get from being genuinely happy though. This one was cold, unsettling even for him. It twists his stomach, but that’s fine. If this goes over well he won’t have to feel like this anymore.

~

“No, Shuichi!” His uncle snaps harshly at him. “Listen, I don’t know what you’re going through. I know it’s been hard, but joining that show? It’s crazy talk!” His uncle looks sad and exhausted, and it only fuels Shuichi even more. If he changed, his uncle wouldn’t look like that anymore. “Kid, please, you aren’t happy with yourself but you’re still important to _me_. You’ll be okay, Shuichi.” 

“Right,” Shuichi says quietly. “I’m sorry for bringing it up. I guess I just..lost myself a bit.” He gives his uncle a small smile, one that hopefully relaxes him a bit. “Sorry.” His uncle hugs him after that. 

“Don’t scare me like that, Shuichi. It’s not...I’m sorry things are tough for you, but you’ll get through them alright.” He ruffled his hair affectionately. “And if you need me, I’m here.” 

Shuichi nodded before turning to his room, his decision made. He knows how to forge his uncle’s signature, and he’s going far too fast to stop now.

~

“My name is...Saihara Shuichi. I’ve always been such a huge fan of Danganronpa and...always wanted to be in one.” His voice doesn’t feel like it’s his anymore. Shuichi feels like some possessed puppet, dragging along until he reaches his goal. 

There is one thing that he’s been working on though. The character that he had made years ago...his ‘Saihara Shuichi: The Ultimate Detective’. Shuichi’s been thinking about him nonstop. His heart starts racing at the thought of _being him._ He gets ecstatic at the thought, and the joy he gets is addicting so he doesn’t stop.

He doesn’t want to be himself anymore. Shuichi feels vile even thinking about himself, about how terrible and useless he is compared to the one he’s made up. 

“If I were a contestant, I would want to be...an Ultimate Detective. I know there’s been a few in the past, and I’ve always loved those characters. So I would want to be one of them.” A spike of panic shoots through him—does that sound too needy? “Ah, but I don’t _have_ to be a detective. I’ll be anything to be apart of the show.” And that’s true, he’d be anyone they wanted. He’d play their game and win because being someone else was his goal.

“And I mean that. I’d do...anything to be a part of Danganronpa.” He’d kill, honestly. He’d tear people apart just to get this, to be the new Shuichi. This is what he’s been waiting for for _years_ and he won’t let anyone stop him. 

“I promise, if I get selected...I will work as hard as I can!” A smile finds its way onto his face, and he knows that everything has been set in stone, it was as soon as he signed his signature with the red pen they had given him.

~

“You’ve been happier lately,” His uncle says as he looks up from the newspaper. “Did something happen?”

“No, Uncle. I just…” Shuichi trailed off, smiling at his uncle. “I’m feeling a lot better, now.” 

“That’s good, Shuichi. Say, if you’re up to it, a cafe opened up nearby, would you like to go?” 

He might as well. Shuichi can allow himself these things now because it’ll all be over soon. This grief tearing his heart a part will be gone in just a few months.

The acceptance letter sitting on his desk confirms that.

So for now, he’ll let himself indulge. It’ll all be okay, as his uncle promised. 

“I’d love to. I heard they just released a series I’ve been looking into, so maybe it’s good to take a look.” 

“There we go! C’mon, let’s go!” 

His uncle’s relieved smile does make him feel a bit bad though. 

~

Months fly by far too fast. Shuichi is sitting in his room, staring at the ceiling with a blank expression. Today’s the day, today is when it all ends.

It’s a little sad, now that he thinks about it. Everything is in place though. His uncle had gone to the market, giving Shuichi a perfect window to sneak out and make his way to the DR studio. 

Now that he’s here though…

Is this what he wanted? 

Yes, it had to be this way. Though the last few months he got to spend with his uncle have been fun, everything is still...terrible. He still dreams of people finding his body in a ditch, of someone jumping him in the street and dropping him in the back of an alley…

It’s better this way. This way he didn’t have to die.

He does wonder, though, what will happen to _him?_ The new Shuichi would be here but… 

Shuichi wonders if he’ll see his parents again. That goodbye he had always wanted… 

It’s sad. Does he really even want to do this anymore? 

He writes a note to his future self. That Shuichi will read it, read it, and wonder why it’s covered in tears as the writer did. 

Shuichi wants to die, didn’t he? So why did he cry when he wrote that? Why did everything shift like this? 

He can’t stop himself from leaving the house and starting his walk to the studio. He’s running on adrenaline, not bothering to stop and really think. 

Shuichi starts whispering to himself at some point, coaxing himself to the studio. 

_“It’s okay, it’s over now. I’m okay now, right?”_ Over and over like prayer. 

Is this what he wanted? 

He paused and stared at nothing, trying to gather his thoughts again. 

Could he have gotten better…? 

Maybe if he just gave himself a little more time…

_No._ This was what he wanted, he’s sure of it. Shuichi won’t get better, he hasn’t been able to for _years_. 

Becoming someone new was…it _had_ to work. There wasn’t enough time to think now. 

Shuichi feels himself start walking again. It’ll be over soon, it’ll be okay soon. 

The new Shuichi would be okay. 

The new Shuichi would be better. 

The new Shuichi could change. 

The new Shuichi wasn’t him.

His hand touches the knob to the studio and he closes his eyes. The new Shuichi… the thought still makes him so happy. That’s what the fresh tears rolling down his face mean, right? 

Shuichi sighs and turns the knob, opening the door. 

Perhaps...perhaps his Shuichi would somehow hear his last coherent thought.

_I'm sorry I couldn't get better. But...you, the new 'Saihara Shuichi' I'd be happy as you, right? I'm sorry. It's all a mess now. I don't think I want this anymore but..._

_It’s too late anyways._


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The new Shuichi finds a letter.

Shuichi was silent as he stepped inside of the apartment, glancing around at the decorated walls. 

“This is it,” His uncle said as he came in, locking the door behind himself. “You can stay here as long as you’d like. I’m sure being dropped in here with no memories is…” His uncle made a gesture with his hands, “odd. You..you probably don’t even know who I am.” 

“Ah, no I do. You’re um…” Shuichi pursed his lips together. “You’re in my memories. That’s how I knew your face.” He shook his head quietly before staring at the ground, trying to ignore the tension. “Ah...Uncle, what was I like before?”

“Before?” His uncle echoed. “You were a very quiet kid. Didn’t talk much, if at all. You were going through a lot of things though.” His uncle let out a snort of laughter, “Loved reading long novels…you used to get so happy whenever I’d go to the bookstore. You stopped in recent years, I could never even get you to smile. When you got that letter in the mail was the only time I had seen you smile on well...forever.” His smile turned a bit sad before he shook his head. “Well, make yourself at home. Your room is upstairs, second door to the left. Call if you need anything,” 

Shuichi nodded and made his way up the stairs, frowning at the pictures hanging off the wall. There was one where he was younger-maybe six or seven if he had to guess-with the widest smile. 

He reached out and traced the picture, frowning. He had no memory of ever getting this taken. 

Shuichi was fake. Tsumugi had been right. 

He sighed before continuing on his way to his room, his feet dragging. He  _ really  _ didn’t want to see whatever was in there, the very thought of it making his stomach turn. From the audition tape alone he could tell he was a very disturbed person. It was a very strange thing to be scared of yourself. 

Shuichi took a deep breath and opened the door to the room, gasping a bit.

It was normal. Only a few posters, which surprised him. Pictures of people he didn’t know, a bookcase filled to the brim with novels and weird knickknacks. It felt homey, a little cold but still welcoming in its own way.

Shuichi frowned at a blue envelope resting where a book would normally be. The outside was nearly caked in dry black ink, probably because the pen had busted at some point.

Shuichi bit his lip in thought.  _ Someone _ had put this there. Was it his uncle? Or perhaps it was the old him…

He shivered at the thought. Regardless of his feelings toward his former self, he should at least see who it’s from. Shuichi tore the envelope open and pulled out the paper, his breath hitching as he saw his own familiar messy handwriting. His eyes widened as he saw who it was addressed to. He needed to sit down for this...

It probably wasn’t  _ that _ bad. Just wishing him well, quick adjustment to the world, things like that. 

The way the handwriting got messier near the end didn’t assure him of that. The tear stains on the page didn’t help either. 

Shuichi took a deep breath and examined the letter again. He’d just stop reading if it became too much. 

~

_ Dear Saihara Shuichi,  _

  
  


_ It’s a bit weird writing that-considering I’m Saihara, too-but, you get the idea. Anyway, it’s past you. Or former you, I guess. I’m not sure, this is strange. I just know by the time you’re reading this, I’ll be gone.  _

_ I probably have a lot of explaining to do...you went through a lot during Season 53; you’re probably confused about why I even auditioned. So let’s come to an understanding of that,  _

_ I auditioned because I wanted to be someone else. I wanted to be you more specifically. We aren’t very different, Shuichi. I’m just someone who can’t grow anymore. I was just breathing with a dirty mind, if that makes any sense. _

_ I’ve been stuck like this forever. I know I’m not going to change, so I’ll force myself too.  _

_ Is it weird to say I’m jealous of myself? I’m sure it is. You’re probably like, “I went through an entire killing game. How could you possibly be jealous of me?” _

_ I’d kill to be you. I’d kill to escape the life I’m living now, this stupid day-to-day feeling of nothing. I can’t quite explain it.  _

_ I feel like I’m not going anywhere. That I’ll never go anywhere, and I know that’s what’s going to happen. You know, Uncle always said that if you put yourself in the grave, you’re already halfway there. I’m already in there, haha… that’s not funny. _

_ I’m hopeless, you know. Perverted by pain, I’m completely ruined. I’m out of options and I can’t keep myself going.Team Danganronpa gave me a little hope when they sent me that letter. Hope is something to hold onto, you know? My hope is you, Shuichi. _

_ So I’ll ask you a favor: _

_ I want the very memory of “me” to be gone. I want to be shattered to pieces and replaced by you. I want you to destroy me and be happy that you aren’t me anymore. When people think of “Shuichi,” they’ll think of you instead of me. Tear me right from everyone’s minds, Shuichi. _

_ Take the life I’ve lived so far and throw it in the trash where it belongs. I’ve become so obsessed with being you; I want no other life. I think about becoming you every day... Every good thing that’s happened to me so far would be inferior to being you.  _

_ My mind is in the drain now. The idea of being this “Saihara Shuichi” disgusts me. I don’t care about dying anymore, this self can crumble to bits and I wouldn’t care. I want to be you already. I don't care what it takes or who I have to kill to do it.  _

_ There is no saving this “Saihara Shuichi.” I think I’ve always known that, so I will die. I’ll become something new, even if it’s through some show. I’ll be you. I’ll be you, and I couldn’t be more ecstatic. _

_ I’ve always wanted to be strong and reliable like you are. I’m just not able; I’m not going to change ever. I’ve been stuck in this cycle of nothing, and I want out. I assure you I would’ve done far worse if it had come to it. _

_ Uncle doesn’t know that I’m heading down to the studio in a few minutes. I didn’t want him to know. I can't wait for this to all be over, I can't wait. Happiness is close now, you know. There isn’t any need to prolong the end. _

_ Goodbye,  _

_ Saihara Shuichi. _

~

Shuichi was trembling by the time he had finished the letter, his eyes widened in horror.  _ What the fuck.  _

He felt sick. It was  _ him _ who had written this. A full body shudder tore through him as he dropped the letter. He needed to get it  _ away _ from him. 

As soon as he got to the corner of his bed he curled in on himself, his skin crawling as the letter’s content repeated over and over in his head.

**Author's Note:**

> waaaah I hope enjoyed !! Please stay safe out there, have a good day. Drink lots of water and eat well!


End file.
